Jacksonville leaders declare State of emergency; $1,776 military checks expected to cause catastrophic traffic near strip clubs, Dodge dealerships, stretch marriage license staff.

Jacksonville, FL — Jacksonville's leaders have declared a state of emergency after President Donald Trump's address to the nation last night where he revealed that all members of the US military will be receiving checks for $1,776.

Sheriff T.K. Waters has urged residents to avoid areas near strip clubs and Dodge dealerships:

"Normally, our partners in the federal government would give us a heads up for this sort of thing and we'd be able to allocate resources accordingly, that didn't happen here. I'm working with my traffic division get officers out there to direct traffic, but we may not be able to control this volume of traffic on such short notice; especially as we expect to see a surge in hellcats skidding out of control while leaving the lot."

Clerk of Courts Jody Phillips also announced preparations:

"We have shut down all non-essential clerk functions and have reallocated 75% of our staff to work the marriage license counter. We have already seen a 50x increase in marriage license applications from women named 'Candy,' 'Peaches,' and 'Cinnamon' and Mayport and NAS Jax haven't even let out yet."