Article archive

Clay County purge countdown hits 50

· The Duval Tribune

Green Cove Springs, FL — Clay County Sheriff Michelle Cook's countdown to Clay's semiannual purge has reached 50. Every two years, the Clay County jail reaches maximum capacity and the Clay County Sheriff's office effec

Phone suddenly dry af as of 7PM

· The Duval Tribune

Florida — As of 7PM, Floridians have begun reporting a sudden sense of loneliness as phones across the state have suddenly dried up. "Just yesterday, I was getting at least 5 messages and 3 calls per hour, now... Nothi

Palatka fire chief faces toxic work environment claims

· The Duval Tribune

Palatka, FL — Just three months after former City Manager Marcia Carty was ordered to turn in her wig and keys over toxic work environment claims, Palatka Fire Chief Chris Taylor now faces similar accusations after the c

Breaking: God fucking damnit

· The Duval Tribune

Jacksonville, FL — Jacksonville residents are on high alert after an ominous threat was issued by the terrorists who organized the Ironman triathlon earlier this year. "After the event we had this year, we agreed Jackso

Sheriff: Murders are down because our shooters shoot shooters.

· The Duval Tribune

Jacksonville, FL — Our reporters sat down and spoke with Jacksonville Sheriff TK "Walk 'em Down" Waters about how his office has managed to successfully reduce crime over the last 3 years. Waters: Our results should sp

One-legged man enters ass kicking competition.

· The Duval Tribune

Milton, FL — With just 2 months until the primary election, Florida Lt. Governor Jay Collins has decided to really lean into the gubernatorial ass-kicking competition after struggling to get a foothold in the race, he's

May 2026 RIP of the month

· The Duval Tribune

The Duval Tribune presents the May 2026 Really Important Person award to State Representative Jessica Baker. In mid-May, one of our schizophrenic correspondents approached Representative Baker about securing funding fo

BREAKING: Lickety Split to start using lube.

· The Duval Tribune

Jacksonville, FL — After months of relentless consumer complaints, local company Lickety Split has announced that they will begin using lube when screwing customers. "We hear all of your complaints and we want to do bet

$100M Autonomous vehicle facility scrapped

· The Duval Tribune

Jacksonville, FL — After April's groundbreaking of the Holon autonomous vehicle facility in Northwest Jacksonville was missed, new site plans reveal that Holon is out and Tunis is in. "We were planning to build a plant

Jags hire Delilah as team stylist

· The Duval Tribune

Jacksonville, FL — After a comparatively impressive 2025-2026 season, the Jacksonville Jaguars have traded their team's stylist for Delilah from the Philadelphia Philistines. "Delilah brings unparalleled cosmetology exp

RIP of the month: April 2026

· The Duval Tribune

The Duval Tribune presents the April 2026 Really Important Person of the month: In early April, one of the Tribune's office twink interns escaped in the middle of the night. Councilman Rory Diamond tracked him down wit

Neptune Beach ranked as one of Florida's top 10 nursing homes

· The Duval Tribune

Neptune Beach, FL — Duval Tribune's Health reporters have released our annual ranking of the best nursing homes in Florida, and for the first time Neptune Beach has made the list coming in at number 7. With easy access

Pooh Shiesty launches new contract renegotiation firm.

· The Duval Tribune

Dallas, TX — After successfully renegotiating the terms of his contract with Gucci Mane, rapper Pooh Shiesty has announced he has started a firm to assist others in navigating the world of contract law. "I wasn't even

Jacksonville Mayor hosts final town hall

· The Duval Tribune

Jacksonville — Jacksonville mayor Donna Deegan hosted her final budget Town Hall Tuesday night. The stated purpose of the town hall series was for Jacksonville residents to have input on the city budget. Now that the C

RIP of the month: March 2026

· The Duval Tribune

The Duval Tribune presents March's RIP: Councilman Boylan has earned our recognition as March's Really Important Person after we contacted him regarding a competing publication, located in Mandarin, that was poaching Du

Masquerade Ball brings big names to Jacksonville

· The Duval Tribune

Jacksonville, FL — Friday night, some of the nation's biggest names, from entertainment to politics, arrived in Jacksonville for the UNCF's ball supporting local HBCUs. We can't identify every celebrity, but we found th

Supervisor of Elections begins 2026 Election Combine

· The Duval Tribune

Jacksonville, FL — With five months until primary elections begin in Duval County, Supervisor of Elections Jerry Holland has begun the 2026 SOE Combine. "We have to make sure we're on our A-game this year, we need the a

Ron Salem's Council meal tonight provided by Ju'Coby Pittmaster

· The Duval Tribune

Jacksonville, FL — Ron Salem's Council meal tonight was provided by Ju'Coby Pittmaster, his spread consisted of some leftovers, including barbecue chicken, collard greens, cornbread, candied yams, potato salad, fried chi

Rahman Johnson announces candidacy for Class President

· The Duval Tribune

Jacksonville, FL — Amid a crowded City Council Vice-President race, City Councilman Rahman Johnson—citing a need to do something "differently"—announced his candidacy for Class President. Sporting a crown and handing ou

RIP of the month: February 2026

· The Duval Tribune

Jacksonville, FL — Here at the Duval Tribune, we want to recognize elected officials who go above and beyond the call of duty. For the month of February, we'd like to honor City Councilman Joe Carlucci. At the beginni

Raul Arias under investigation by office of Inspector Gadget

· admin

Jacksonville, FL — Following months of controversy, the city's office of Inspector Gadget has opened an investigation into city councilman Raul Arias. The inspector announced the investigation by crashing through the cei

TPUSA halftime show paused to pass around collection plate

· admin

Phoenix, AZ — Turning Point USA's "All-American Halftime Show" briefly paused Sunday evening in order to pass around a collection plate to in-person attendees. "WHO HERE LOVES AMERICA??" Shouted an on-stage performer hal

Breaking: Will Lahnen begins fading in and out of reality

· admin

Jacksonville, FL — Following up on our discovery of Councilman Will Lahnen, the Councilman began flickering in and out of reality on Monday night. We attempted to interview him, however we were unable to decipher the bro

Ben Becker (BoutDatActionNewsjax) drops Raul Arias diss track

· admin

Jacksonville, FL — Following months of escalating scrutiny of the Councilman, Jacksonville journalist Ben Becker put down his pen and picked up a mic to drop a track dissing Raul Arias. Posted under the username "BoutDat

Local situation monitor having best day since 2020

· admin

Jacksonville, FL — Robert Humphreys was awakened early this morning by notifications. First receiving notifications about the United States Air Force disabling flight tracking transponders, then later receiving notificat

Local degenerate hasn't bathed since last year

· admin

Jacksonville, FL — In what neighbors and friends are calling "disgusting hygiene practices," local woman Karla Beatrice has been found to not have showered or taken a bath since late 2025. "I don't know about Karla, but

JTA unveils Operation Wheelie Tow

· jeremyh418

In a move hailed as a “bold innovation,” the Jacksonville Transportation Authority has launched Operation Wheelie Tow—a mandatory community-service program for wheelchair using riders who are protesting the new Connexion

BREAKING: Beaches Secede

· Beaches Reporter

Jacksonville Mayor has promised Jacksonville's response will be swift and decisive.