BOMBSHELL: Jacksonville Constitutional Officers steal hologram, take turns using it to deflect complaints from citizens who don't know they exist.

Jacksonville, FL — Details are emerging about a plot by four of Duval County's elected constitutional officers to steal and use the hologram of Mayor Donna Deegan to draw fire from angry citizens.

We spoke to all of them:

Jerry Holland (Supervisor of Elections):

“Well, I haven't been on a ballot in over a decade, I do my best to remain invisible.”

As if on cue, a candidate burst through the door, angrily clutching a sample ballot.

Candidate: “WHO THE HELL IS SUPERVISING THIS ELECTION? You misspelled my name!”

Holland froze, like a deer in headlights, letting the hologram take over.

Donna: “I hear your concerns. Your voice matters.”

Candidate: “You’re trying to steal this election!”

Donna: “Together, we can keep Jacksonville cute.”

The candidate left after screaming at the effigy for 5 minutes.

Holland unfroze. “That guy has no idea I exist.”

Joyce Morgan (Property Appraiser):

“I almost feel guilty, but Donna is polling pretty high right now, she can stand to take a few strays. When TRIM notices come out and somebody’s taxable value jumps $180,000, they don’t Google ‘Property Appraiser.’ They get pissed at the Mayor. The Hologram just stands there repeating ‘We’re reviewing your assessment’ while people scream at it.”

Jim Overton (Tax Collector):

“People seem to think the mayor is responsible for office wait times and mailing their tag renewal. When they get to yelling, I just wheel the hologram out front and they unload on her for 30 minutes, pay their taxes, and leave happy they ‘told the mayor off.’ My approval rating is 100%, and nobody can spell my name.”

Jody Phillips (Clerk of Courts):

“The clerk's office is like the UFC sometimes, nobody comes in here happy. Since we started using this hologram, my car has been keyed 60% less.”

State Attorney Melissa Nelson stepped in to investigate on Tuesday, confiscating the hologram.

Wednesday morning, the hologram was in front of Nelson's office.

"After a thorough investigation, I get it now. The hologram was spat on 3 times this morning. Finders keepers."

At press time, Public Defender Charlie Cofer was seen carrying the hologram on his back to placate defendants after failed plea negotiations.