Explosive interview with Donner exposes tensions among sleigh team, rampant anti-red-nose sentiment

North Pole — Duval Tribune reporters began a series of interviews of Santa's reindeer by interviewing lead reindeer, Donner.

What we uncovered was a team teeming with rampant jealousy and anti-Rudolph sentiment:

Reporter: Tell me about some struggles you've faced leading a team responsible for traversing the world in a single night.

Donner: Well, for starters, the amount of calories we need for a feat like this is insane. I don't know if you know it or not, but we actually had to become carnivores to keep up with the caloric demand.

Reporter: That sounds intense, but what I was really getting at was the occasional foggy night, you know, when you have to call in your p-

Donner: Here we go with this shit. Every year it's the same thing. "Rudolph" this, "Rudolph" that. Look, we had to call him in ONE year because of a foggy night, but you know what we did after that?

We got HEADLIGHTS for the sleigh. He saved ONE Christmas and he's the one you people obsess over; meanwhile the rest of us are working our ASSES off, and how many of us get movies and fame? None of us. Because we aren't attention whores, we do our job and the rest of the year we graze.

Do you know WHY we excluded Rudolph? You know WHY we'd laugh and call him names? The guy is a fucking freak, it's not because he's "different" because of his nose, he's just a terrible Caribou.

Reporter: I'm sorry, I didn't realize that Rudolph was such a sore spot, I guess I'd be sore if someone... outshined me like that.

Our reporters were immediately asked to leave by North Pole security as Donner lowered his antlers and began grunting and kicking the ground.