MAYOR’S HOLOGRAM TURNS PHILIPS HWY WALMART INTO TURKEY GRAVEYARD

by Michael Thomas

JACKSONVILLE – Mayor Donna Deegan’s hologram, apparently trained on WKRP reruns without being provided proper context, decided the funniest Thanksgiving episode in TV history was a viable marketing plan for the city.

At 11:17 a.m., two helicopters dumped 67 live turkeys from 800 feet above the Philips Highway Walmart parking lot.

None of them flew.

What hit the asphalt was less “holiday promotion” and more high-velocity poultry carnage. Shoppers screamed as 20-pound birds exploded on impact, turning Black Friday lines into a red-feathered slip-n-slide. Windshields shattered. One tom achieved orbital re-entry directly onto a brand-new F-150, totaling it and leaving a perfect turkey-shaped crater in the hood.

“It sounded like wet laundry hitting concrete, over and over,” said shopper Marisol Rivera, still clutching a half-price air fryer and a thousand-yard stare.

By the time JSO arrived, the lot looked like a crime scene designed by Butterball. Zero survivors. Final count: 67 turkeys, all very much deceased.

Mayor Deegan, visibly shaken and sporting a single stray feather on her blazer, called it “a tragic misreading of classic television” and immediately put the hologram on "holiday vacation." Sources say its last words before shutdown were a faint, digitized “Oh the humanity.”

Walmart closed the store for “biohazard cleanup” and announced tomorrow’s grand reopening will feature a moment of silence, followed by a 40% off rotisserie chicken sale.

As God is my witness, Duval, turkeys really can’t fly.