REPORT: Drought conditions caused because elected Soil and Water Supervisors failed to cast annual rain spell, perform sacrifice as required by Florida law

Jacksonville, FL — Duval Tribune's meteorologists have uncovered a pitchfork-gatheringly shocking failure by 8 elected officials.

As Jacksonville faces a burn ban and drought-induced wildfires to our north and south, we have learned that the Duval County Soil and Water supervisors have failed to cast their annual spell and make the sacrifice they're required to make under Florida law.

The Duval County Soil and Water Conservation District is an elected body charged with the magical protection of Duval County's most important natural resources. They are legally required to cast an annual rain spell before the 2nd new moon, and sacrifice either a flock of geese or a herd of cattle during the subsequent waning moon; failure to do so has very real consequences, which we are now all experiencing.

We learned that they cast their rain spell a month later than required, and sacrificed a flock of CANADIAN geese, which has resulted in a drought and will—per Duval's ancient scrolls—cause massive flooding in August.

If you own a boat, be ready to use it; for those of us without a boat, Council President Kevin Carrico and Mayor Donna Deegan have begun constructing an ark, by hand, which should be able to save several hundred of us; it is expected to be ready to board around July.